The answer is FUCK YES! People are always surprised to hear me saying that I’m exhausted from making work. Or stressed about making work. They act as if it’s the wildest thing they ever heard because there’s this preconceived notion that being an artist should be a piece of cake. Or that if you’ve chosen a career that you’re passionate about that you would never be stressed out by it. But it’s stressful to truly make art.
I don’t know about you but seeing all those Instagram artists that act as if making art is easy is annoying. Art is difficult. Making art is difficult. It’s draining. But the grand reward of it all is making something that pleases you in certain stages and especially in its completion.
That is the most valuable thing I’ve learned from making art. Especially while putting together this solo show. There were plenty of times where I felt shitty or like I wasn’t working fast enough. I would get stressed out because I had to finish the pieces. There weren’t any if, ands or buts. These pieces had to be done. And I did it. All while thinking: Are you doing it right? Should you have put that brushstroke down? Is it too stylized? Is it even moving? Constant thoughts of failure flow in and out. With little bits of “Fuck yes, that looks good! I’m fucken it! I. AM. THAT. BIIIIITCH!”
That’s what it feels like to make art. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Because throughout all these pieces I have struggled. But now that I’m done and getting ready for my final drop off I feel a mix of accomplishment and also emotionally and creatively drained. But I live for it. There’s always the thoughts in the back of your mind: will the next ones be good? What if that’s the only good one I’ll ever make? Then you fight through the next paintings and you amaze yourself once again.
In all honesty I don’t feel as if I’m accomplishing anything if I’m not drowning in work. The most thrilling thing about my art practice is drowning in work. Feeling I can’t do it and proving myself wrong. I’m not making this art to impress anyone but myself. Because I think as an artist your biggest competition and enemy is yourself. Every time I have felt like I can’t make art. I remember how often I’ve felt like that. And every single time I have been more proud of myself and my art when I finish these pieces.
Moral of the story? Don’t let people tell you you should somehow be overjoyed to make art. Or that it should come easy to you. Making art is the hardest thing I do everyday. But I think most artist wouldn’t change that stress for anything. At the end of the day, the end of that project, it pays off. That’s the easy part of being an artist. Not making the art. The end result.