Last night I had a great opening with an amazing group of artist. Personally I feel as if my work has grown drastically within these last couple of months since graduating from CSULB. During my time at school I had struggled with which part of myself to paint about.
I’m a first-gen Mexican-American. And while I’m extremely proud of my parents heritage and my families background I feel a disconnect because I was born and raised in the U.S. Also I haven’t even personally visited Mexico in 7 years. Not that I don’t want to but I just haven’t had the means to. Earlier in my painting career I battled with this a lot because I wanted to paint about my Mexican background but each time I tried to paint about it it felt awkward and out of place. To explain it it felt just as uncomfortable as any POC feels when they see an outsider paint about their culture. I finally found something that felt like me when I began to paint this series based on women lowriders.
Back to last night, I haven’t felt like choosing to paint about my subject matter was an issue anymore. But my papa blind sided me when he commented on how my work doesn’t market to my community. I spoke about it with my mama this morning as I made coffee and ate pan dulce with her. She explained that my dad thinks that I should be painting about my Mexican heritage. I understand his point of view. But I feel as if it’s harder for him to realize how there’s a disconnect. Maybe he feels that since I always visited Mexico as a child, grew up in a Mexican household that I would have a stronger connection. Being Mexican is important to me. I think this internal struggle highlights exactly what our group show was about. The act of being stuck between two cultures. And feeling disconnection from both. Becoming something different from what our parents were because of the culture shock that sways heavily away from my parents background.
It hurts my heart that my father feels this way about my art. I feel like I’m painting about my reality. I’m Mexican-American but because of that I have lived a different life than my parents and can’t say I have the exact same deep rooted love of our homeland. Maybe when I visit again I can start to paint about all aspects of my identity. But for now it seems out of place.
Just thought I would share the issues that come with being a child of immigrants.